Wishes and Messages

Message to a man whos been hurt

  1. Home
  2. 1st Anniversary Wishes
  3. Message to a man whos been hurt
Message to a man whos been hurt
July 26, 2019 1st Anniversary Wishes 5 comments

I have been on nearly 40 first dates in the past couple of years since I've been single. I know I'll probably get hurt, but I haven't called it off yet because I You don't want to be with a guy who wants only casual sex, casually, .. Marine Serre, and Telfar, the overall message was bigger than the details.

Hurting someone is very easy, but when you yourself are hurt you then know the agony of being hurt and crushed into pieces. Hurting quotes will let you realize the agony of being hurt. Each of us may have experienced being heartbroken. Here, we have handpicked some hurt quotes which will demonstrate how it really feels like when you are being and feeling hurt by someone who is you love.

“You will never know the power of yourself until someone hurts you badly.” tweet

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. — Mark Twain tweet

“I wish i were a little girl again, because skinned knees are easier to fix than broken heart.” – Julia Roberts tweet

Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. Bob Marley tweet

“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them” Dalai Lama tweet

If you’re searching for the best love sayings and images to share with the people you care or just want to uplift yourself… look no further! From break up quotes, missing someone quotes, and good relationship quotes, we’ve got you covered.

  • “Don’t waste your time on revenge. Those who hurt you will eventually face their own karma.” » Matareva Pearl
  • “The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt.” » Max Lerner
  • “Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively use words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.” » Yehuda Berg

  • It doesn’t hurt to feel sad from time to time. Willie Nelson
  • If you’re in trouble or hurt or need — go to the poor people. They’re the only ones that’ll help — the only ones. John Steinbeck
  • If someone really wants to hurt you, they’ll find a way whatever. I don’t want to live my life worrying about it. George Michael
  • “If someone decides they’re not going to be happy, it’s not your problem. You don’t have to spend your time and energy trying to cheer up someone who has already decided to stay in a bad mood. Believe it or not, you can actually hurt people by playing into their self-pity.” » Joyce Meyer
  • “Many times, the decisions we make the effect and hurt your closest friends and family the most. I have a lot of regrets in that regard. But God has forgiven me, which I am very thankful for. It has enabled me to forgive myself and move forward one day at a time.” » Lex Luger
  • “Love those who hurt you the most, because they are probably the ones closest to you. They, too, are on a path, and just like you, they are learning to walk before they can fly. Imagine if everybody you hurt in life turned their backs on you? You would be playing a hell of a lot of solitaires. Love them no matter what.” » Nikki Sixx

  • “The pain started years ago, but I’d lived with it for so long at that point that I’d accepted it as an inevitable part of me.” » Ashley D. Wallis
  • “That’s the funny thing about old hurts- they just wait for the new heartache to come along and then show up, just as sharp and horrible as the first day you woke up with the world changed all around you.” » Lilith Saintcrow
  • “Yes, I understand why things had to happen this way. I understand his reason for causing me pain. But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt. It does not call upon the sun when dark clouds have loomed over me. Let the rain come then if it must come! And let it wash away the dust that hurt my eyes!” » Jocelyn Soriano
  • “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” » Mother Teresa
  • “One by one drop fell from her eyes like they were on an assembly line – gather, fall, slide…gather, fall, slide…each one commemorating something she had lost. Hope. Faith. Confidence. Pride. Security. Trust. Independence. Joy. Beauty. Freedom. Innocence.” » Lisi Harrison

Hurt Feelings Quotes & Sayings

Below you will find our collection of love hurts quotes, words about hurting, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

  • You’ve hurt my feelings, you’ve broken my heart. I gave you my time, I gave you my trust but you left me for another. ~Godwin Delali Adadzie
  • A stiff apology is a second insult. . . The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt. ~Gilbert K. Chesterton
  • Don’t hurt my feelings anymore. I left you my roses and you gave me your thorns. ~Godwin Delali Adadzie

  • I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they’re going to hurt you every once in awhile and you must forgive them for that. ~Anonymous
  • The truth may hurt for a little while but a lie hurts forever. ~Anonymous
  • There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. ~Washington Irving
  • I pay no attention whatever to anybody’s praise or blame. I simply follow my own feelings. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
  • I tell kids that people will let them down and people will hurt them. But Jesus Christ will never let them down and never hurt them. ~Willie Aames
  • Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them. ~Dalai Lama

  • The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other. ~Ashleigh Brilliant
  • Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt before. ~Anonymous
  • Nobody can hurt me without my permission. ~Mohandas Gandhi
  • Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart. ~Anonymous
  • Forgive those who have hurt you. ~Les Brown

  • To be rejected by someone doesn’t mean you should also reject yourself or that you should think of yourself as a lesser person. It doesn’t mean that nobody will ever love you anymore. Remember that only ONE person has rejected you at the moment, and it only hurt so much because to you, that person’s opinion symbolized the opinion of the whole world, of God. Jocelyn Soriano
  • You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well. ~Lewis B. Smedes
  • Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again? ~Rosa Parks
  • We’re getting hurt, but I’m a long-term investor. ~Al-Waleed bin Talal

  • A lot of times people’s main motives and plan in life is to hurt as many people as they can, but I think there are enough good people that help make the world a good place. ~Tina Yothers
  • The problem to me is violence. It’s not cool to kill somebody or hurt people. ~Mark Ruffalo
  • You generally hear that what a man doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him, but in business what a man doesn’t know does hurt. ~Gerald Brenan
  • Sometimes you can be touched by God, but not healed. Often when this happens, he is using your pain for a greater purpose. Shannon L. Alder
  • If a friend hurts you, run to your wife. ~Ethiopian proverb
  • Disappointment hurts more than pain. ~American proverb
  • ‘Tis easier to hurt than heal. ~German proverb

  • When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. ~African proverb
  • The stupid might have wanted to help you, but ended up hurting you. ~Arabic proverb
  • The medicine that hurts the most is generally the best healer. ~Scottish proverb

Love Hurt Quotes For Him and Her

It is inevitable that sometimes love hurts. Here are quotes about being hurt, and forgiveness. So, if you are hurting, read these quotes about love — the raw, real, painful side of love — and know that it is all part of the process and will only make your heart stronger. Because, if you can handle heartbreak, you can handle anything.

  • “Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.”
  • “I don’t hate you, I love you. But loving you is killing me. So this is goodbye even if I don’t want it to be.” – Nikita Gill
  • “That feeling you get in your stomach when your heart’s broken. It’s like all the butterflies just died.”
  • “The worst feeling is feeling unwanted by the person you want the most.”

  • This eccentric quote is like a math equation that simply explains your pain and heartache. A quote that is an expression of your idea of an ideal relationship, and the reality of how yours has turned out to be. It nevertheless is a lesson that will be remembered for a lifetime, one that is the foundation for a better future.
  • A painful love quote that is heart-rending and very real. A quote on lost love and the pain that ensues. One that talks of the loss, the path to recovery and the hope for a better future. But the fact remains, lost love is a scar that will not vanish, it is the memory that you should discount and move on.
  • “I think about you too much. I care about you too much. I like you way too much..”
  • “Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again.”
    ― Carol Rifka Brunt, Tell the Wolves I’m Home
  • “It may hurt to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on.”

  • “What do you do when the one person you want comfort from the most is the one who caused your pain? How can I want so desperately for him to wrap me up in his arms but also want so much for him to leave me alone.”
    ― Amanda Grace, But I Love Him
  • “I’m at such a dilemma, I want to distance myself from you, but yet, I don’t want to lose you.”

Famous Sad Hurt Quotes About Love and Pain

Knowing how to manage our pain is an essential surviving skill that can save us from becoming bitter and angry people. Learn from these inspiring quotes on pain and feeling hurt show how to turn negative feelings into a valuable learning experience. Here are the best sad quotes on feeling pain and hurt.

  • Pain is temporary – The pain you feel today is only to get the strength to face tomorrow. ~ Sivaprakash Sidhu
  • All conflict can be traced back to someone’s feelings getting hurt, don’t you think? – Liane Moriarty
  • “Never regret yesterday. Life is in you today, and you make your tomorrow.” – L. Ron Hubbard

  • “The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…”
    – Nicholas Sparks
  • “The saddest thing about love is that not only that it cannot last forever, but that heartbreak is soon forgotten.”
    – William Faulkner
  • Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. – Bob Marley
  • The turning point in growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt. – Max Lerner
  • I mean, at the end of the day, what the hell does it matter who I end up with if it can’t be you?”
    – Tabitha Suzuma
  • “No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.”
    – Faraaz Kazi
  • “I pray that former rejection and deep hurts will not color what I see and hear now.”
    – Sue Augustine

  • “You can victimize yourself by wallowing around in your own past.”
    – Wayne Dyer
  • “Hands that never touch. Lips that never meet. The Almost Lovers, never to be.”
    – Rae Hachton
  • “There will be a time when you are forced to follow your heart away from someone you love.”
    – Ashly Lorenzana
  • “So it’s true when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.”
    – E.A. Bucchianeri
  • “They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.”
    – Gabrielle Zevin
  • “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
    – Mark Twain
  • “Why did I always end up loving the person who hurt me the most? Why was love so cruel?”
    – J.C. Reed

  • “Then his heart, now broken into a thousand pieces, slowly began to turn to ice.”
    – Morgan Rhodes
  • “Heartbreak could be lived with if it weren’t accompanied by regret.”
    – Laura Kasischke
  • “We have to do with the past only as we can make it useful to the present and the future.”
    – Frederick Douglass
  • “The heart was made to be broken.”
    – Oscar Wilde
  • “I know my heart will never be the same but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay”
    – Sara Evans

  • “You’re gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul”
    – Christina Perri
  • “Love hurts worse than getting slammed by a 250-pound linebacker.”– Miranda Kenneally“

Hurting Quotes on Relationship

Remember that no relationship is a total waste of time. You can always learn something about yourself. H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all. Eleanor Roosevelt

An argument is always about what has been made more important than the relationship. Hugh Prather

  • It hurts the most when the person who made you feel so special yesterday makes you feel so unwanted today.
  • It takes longer to build a relationship than it does to destroy one. Matshona Dhliwayo
  • I could have loved you once And said it But then you went away And when you came back Love was a forgotten word, Remember? Marilyn Monroe
  • A deadness occurs in relationships when people are no longer willing to tell each other how they really feel. Shakti Gawain
  • Relationships end because once the person has you, they stop doing the things it took to get you.
  • Almost all of our sorrows spring out of our relations with other people. Arthur Schopenhauer

  • Never place someone so high on a pedestal that if they should fall… you get crushed. Mark W. Boyer
  • Relationships fail because people take their own insecurities and try and twist them into their partner’s flaws. Baylor Barbee
  • Assumptions are the termites of relationships. Henry Winkler
  • Leave someone who hates you as much as you hate yourself. Michael J. Bennett
  • The relationship is like money, Hard to earn and easy to lose. Kumar Sinha
  • You should not have to rip yourself into pieces to keep others whole.

  • Not everyone who loves each other needs to be in a relationship. And not everyone who’s in a relationship loves each other.
  • Anybody who does not value what you have does not deserve your relationship. Matthew Ashimolowo
  • The best way to remain in your relationship is to keep other people out of your relationship. Carlos Wallace
  • When a relationship doesn’t work anymore, it’s terrible to stay with someone that you don’t love. Monica Bellucci

  • You lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you. Tablo
  • No partner in a love relationship… should feel that he has to give up an essential part of himself to make it viable. May Sarton
  • Relationships based on obligation lack dignity. Wayne Dyer

Before you rush off to confront the man who hurt you, ponder the situation . For example, you might say, “I was really hurt when you forgot my.

An Open Letter To The Girl Who's Been Hurt

message to a man whos been hurt

"I don't know what he's thinking because he never tells me what is going on."

Sound familiar? In a recent poll, 42 percent of iVillage visitors say that they have a hard time getting their partner to share his feelings. When that happens, she feels shut out and he feels misunderstood. But in my years as a therapist and author, I've discovered something that many women don't realize. Men want to talk. Under the right conditions, they'll talk all night long. Most men desperately need to unburden themselves. So what's the secret to getting your guy to share? Read on—and get ready to receive an earful.

Secret 1:Real Men Fear RejectionReally!

It's true. Most men feel that women are very critical of them, and they worry that if they do open up, someone's going to laugh at them, leaving them rejected and humiliated. It's important for women to realize that a man's ego and sense of identity are generally more fragile than hers and more easily threatened. That is especially so when he's in an intimate relationship: He craves acknowledgment, feedback and knowing that he's pleased you. So if a man feels that you are going to judge him, or look at him differently as a result of what he says, you can be sure that he won't talk.

Not judging your partner means allowing him to say what is on his mind, and simply being willing to hear it. This does not mean that you don't have an opinion or that you can't offer it at some point. In order for him open up to you, he has to feel truly accepted for who he is, not for who you may want him to be. Be patient with him. If you respond to his thoughts by immediately offering your point of view with something like "Well, that's wrong. I don't agree" or, "Where did you get a crazy idea like that?" any man is going to clam right up. They're afraid if they say something too personal, it may not fit into the image you have of them, or the image they force themselves to project.

A man is many different things at different points in his life—even at different points in the week or day. Don't be afraid to allow him to show you all different parts of himself. If you can let go of your expectations and really just try to find out who he is, he will immediately sense it, feel greatly at ease and enjoy talking to you.

Secret 2: Reveal Yourself as Well

There must be mutual disclosure between partners. Everybody has problems, fears and skeletons in the closet. Many guys think, "If I share this, she'll leave me." You have to show that this is not the case by revealing something about yourself that shows you have as much trust in him as he has in you.

When he starts to open up, listen to what he is saying, then take a step beyond and offer something positive in return. After he tells you something personal, say something like, "Well, that's not so bad. I've done worse." Or, "I really admire this about what happened" and pick something in the story you really do admire. (Don't make this up, though. It will fall flat and turn into manipulation. People always know when they are being manipulated on some level and it never works out.) Let him know you're on his team, that he is not alone with his experience.

Make sure as you give him feedback, that you take his side. Many women listen to the stories that men tell only to respond by telling him how he's been looking at it wrong. They take the side of someone else. In a story about work, for example, it's the coworker he's been having a hard time with. It is important, however, that you look at the situation from his point of view. This is not a time to teach or train him, it's a time to "make friends." When two people are making friends, they share their common experiences mutually and, because of that, experience closeness and comfort. Here, you're creating rapport, the feeling that the two of you occupy the same planet and live in a similar world.

It's amazing how many men feel tremendously alone. Not only have they been trained for silence, taught that it is unmanly to express what they are going through, they usually don't get feedback from the guys in their world. Your honest and positive feedback is vital. If you bond in this way, your partner will feel there is someone there who understands them and open up even more.

Secret 3: Let Go of the Past

Have you ever had a "discussion" with your partner that ended up turning into a litany of past grievances, the things he did wrong, the ways he hurt you, and what he owes you now? It happens at some point in nearly every relationship, but the fact remains; men cringe when they feel this coming.

When a man fears that his words will later be distorted, misunderstood, told to others or thrown back at him, it is impossible for him to open up. And the only way to move beyond this communication trap is to realize that whatever happened in the past, whatever he did or said, you were involved as well. All relationships are dances. No one is entirely good and no one entirely bad. In fact, rather than seeing anyone as good or bad, it is more useful to notice the roles being played in the relationship and the ways in which all of us become stuck in patterns that we don't know how to get out of.

For example, some women love playing the victim or martyr. They need the blame of the relationship in order to validate their own feelings and feel powerful over their partner. In fact, they may hold a man to them in this way for a while. But it's a sure sign that the communication has completely closed down and the relationship is on the rocks.

If you want to avoid or change this sorry state of affairs and help him speak to you openly, try this. Take responsibility for your part in the situation and see the ways in which you might have contributed to what happened. This does not mean blaming yourself, either. Just to look at the situation with a large eye. Focus on all the things he did "right," not "wrong." If you need more direction here, take out your journal and make lists of what you've received from the relationship and what you've given in return. Notice times when you were also less than perfect, and notice the ways in which both of you have grown and changed.

The ability to forgive may be just as simple as realizing that what was true a year ago about him (and about yourself as well) may not be true now. Stay focused in the present. True communication requires the ability to remain in the present and to let the past be over when it's done.

Secret 4: Become a Solidand SecureListener

Is it even possible to have honest relationships? The assumption is that everybody's going to be honest. The truth is, few people are. And the main reason that people are dishonest is that the consequences are too big. Many men feel that women want and need to be lied to because they can't take the honest truth. Some of my clients have said that they fear telling their partner what is really going on in their lives, or how they truly feel because it will upset her. In fact, many women use their emotions to control men—and control the relationship. They demand certain responses from men, and feel devastated if they don't get them. Then they're surprised when he shuts down and doesn't talk.

Unfortunately, many women also have strong images of how a man is "supposed" to feel, and think. That kind of fantasy makes the truth devastating, so they let the man know in many subtle ways that they do not want it. Sound familiar? We're all guilty of this from time to time, but being willing to listen to what he has to say is the beginning of a truly mature relationship. It gives the man the feeling that he has a solid partner who will be there with him through thick and thin.

If you're ready to break out of this unrealistic rut, it's time to ask yourself three things. How much of the truth you can tolerate? How much do you really want? Do you want your man to be a fantasy figure for you, or are you willing to allow him to become real? These are huge questions. Perhaps you cannot take all of the truth at once right now, but you can certainly build up your tolerance muscles and move in that direction.

Oddly enough, we all think that fantasy makes us feel wonderful, but in fact, the more reality we can take, the stronger we grow. The ability to accept honesty from others increases as we realize that true security comes not from the approval of others but from being true to ourselves.

Secret 5: Be True to YourselfBe Aware

It's an old question but a good one. How can we be true to another if we aren't true to ourselves? The best way to help a man open up is simply to be open yourself, be natural, be real and exude an atmosphere of warmth and acceptance. Those who we encounter in life are mirrors of different parts of ourselves and we attract certain people who each help us love another part of ourselves.

This is why it's important to apply the five topics covered here not only to the men in our lives but also to ourselves. For example, are you able to let go of judging yourself? Do you dismiss past grievances about the things you've done wrong? Or are you always dwelling on mistakes you've made, ways in which you've fallen short? When you treat yourself this way, it is only natural to do the same thing to your partner. If when young you were always scolded or made to feel inadequate in some way, you are likely to act the same way toward your man.

Awareness is crucial here. If you want to create a more open dynamic between your partner and yourself, take a strong inventory of the way you treat and regard yourself and the way you were treated by the significant others of your past. If you were hurt, this is your chance to make a decision to not live your life on automatic-pilot-of-the-past anymore. Turn it around. Decide to be kind and accepting, both of yourself and to the one you're with.

Sometimes we give in to another in the expectation of receiving the same in return. When that doesn't happen, silent fury starts to build. That is behaving with an agenda, giving mixed messages and not being true to another or yourself. In order to give of yourself truly, you have to realize that you "get" as much out of giving as out of receiving. When you give the other unconditional respect and regard, you are giving that to yourself as well. You are behaving in the best way possible, and the fine effects always reverberate back. When you treat others in a way you respect, you are building a sense of value and worth. If your partner doesn't reciprocate, you won't have to feel like it's your failing or loss. Instead you will easily move on to someone who is more like you.

The bottom line: Be true to yourself and you will find that it is contagious. The men (and women) you are with will start to behave the same way. They will communicate openly and naturally, not with a fixed agenda, not to manipulate or control. If they don't behave this way, they will naturally move out of your life—to a place that is more appropriate for them.

A version of this story originally appeared on iVillage.

WATCH THE VIDEO ON THEME: Top Quotes About Being Hurt by Someone Close to You - Being Hurt Quotes and Sayings - Sad Quotes
what to say when someone is being ordained
Sample email for thank you
i miss you message for my boyfriend
Busness letter format
message to a loved one who passed away
How to write an angry letter to a friend
thanks for your support letters
Letter of my life

How to Comfort Someone Who Is Hurting

message to a man whos been hurt

First things first, you are not the only one. We have all been hurt by someone. While the degree of hurt may vary from person to person, at the end of the day it's still hurt. It may have been a boy who promised forever and always or a boy who lied and cheated. But I’ll let you in on a secret, you are so much more than that hurt.

At first it may seem like the pain will never go away and that it’ll be something that you will carry for the rest of your life. Only one of those things is true: you will carry that pain with you for the rest of your life. However, slowly over time the pain will lessen and you will learn from it. That pain will become something that fuels your growth. That pain will become one of the greatest lessons a girl could learn. From this pain you’ll realize something: you are worth a heck of a lot more than how that stupid boy treated you.

Initially after the pain, you might blame yourself and ask “what could I have done differently?” But here’s another secret: you are in no way shape or form to blame for his actions. The boy who lied to you and used you, he’s the one to blame. You didn’t twist his arm and say lie to me, you didn’t do anything to make him treat you so poorly. Someone who claims to love you will make you his priority and will always treat you with respect. No one ever deserves to be disrespected and made to think that they are not loved. You are loved by so many and you will love again

So take the hurt and pain that he caused you and turn it into something wonderful. Take the time to reflect on yourself. Learn how to better love yourself and be okay with being single. It is in this time that you will see what you truly want in a guy. Take time for yourself but don’t ever close your mind or heart to another relationship.

I urge you to not let that pain prevent you from feeling something great again. It may not feel like you could ever open yourself up to another person like that again. But when the time is right, it will happen. I won’t lie, opening yourself up to someone new will be scary and it won’t be easy. There will probably be times in which you compare your new man to the boy who hurt you, AND THAT IS OKAY! Despite all the hurt, you can’t ignore the good times and emotions you felt for him. So don’t beat yourself up for thinking about the boy who hurt you, it's only natural to think back to what you think was a great time.

But the most important thing to keep in mind is that there is someone better out there waiting for you. So don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and let someone new in. One thing I can promise you is that opening yourself back up to others is worth it. You are going to find a man who looks at you like Nathan looks at Haley or Chuck looks at Blair.

Your happily-ever-after is waiting out there for you, so don’t you dare let the boy who hurt you stop you from getting what you deserve.

Love,

A girl who's been hurt too.

Men who pull away are often in situations in which they are playing the field and Being friends with benefits makes it easy for him to get what he wants and often a woman dating a man for months on end, only to end up getting hurt because it .. I have belongings at his place he won't respond to text or phone messages.

You Really Hurt Me. (But Tell Me Your Side of It--I'm Listening!)

message to a man whos been hurt

This article originally appeared on Tonic

The Scenario
Your "friend" has been on a few dates and they’re feeling pretty Frank Ocean about their new someone. They get starry-eyed and think this one might be the one that gives them reason to disable their OKCupid account. Then they get the dreaded text message stating “a connection is missing” or some other bit of breakup polite-speak.

Your friend is devastated and not ready to move onto their next Tinder match. They keep checking their former fling's Twitter and Instagram accounts, wondering what went wrong. It feels worse than a breakup with a long-term partner, for which friends are understanding and there are well-known stages of grief. Months later, “your friend” is still hung up on this thing and wondering if they’re developing into a stalker or a weirdo or at least a sad sack.

The Reality
Unrequited love has a long, romanticized history in song and literature—from Dante’s poems about Beatrice to Goethe’s Sorrows of Young Werther, and from George Jones’s “He Stopped Loving Her Today” to Taylor Swift’s “Love Story.” There are few subjects more dramatic than a passion that burns mercilessly against all external forces, even the beloved’s rejection, and in spite of the distress it causes the bearer.

Being bypassed by someone who could have been your one and only may seem like a rare, gut-wrenching tragedy worthy of a novel or epic poem. Psychologists say it’s quite common.

Roy Baumeister and Sara Wotman, then of Case Western Reserve University, authored one of the definitive studies on unrequited love, published in 1993. In their sample of 155 men and women, more than 98 percent said they had given or received intense romantic passion that went unreciprocated at some point in their lives.

The reason for the commonality of this phenomenon is a harsh truth: “Most of us think of ourselves as more desirable than others actually see us,” Baumeister told The New York Times. “So people we think of as of equal desirability may not see it the same way.” That’s "science" for: We don’t know when someone is out of our league.

Clinical psychologists say it’s normal to feel initial shock and pain at rejection from someone you’re into. “It is not weird if a person continues to think about a short-term partner well after the end of a relationship,” says Shani Graves, a licensed mental health counselor in New York City. “It actually happens more often than people care to admit.” Graves adds, “At times, we place ‘all of our eggs in one basket’ with hopes of the person being something truly significant in our lives.” This can give us a distorted view of how wonderful it’s going during the brief courtship and “limits us from truly getting to know the person,” Graves says. “So when thing don't work out, we're left confused and hurt.”

Tanisha M. Ranger, a clinical psychologist in Henderson, Nevada, adds that “human beings have this thing with unfinished business. We remember things that are incomplete much more so than completed ones.” Ranger noted the Zeigarnik effect, a cognitive bias by which people are more likely to remember or find significant tasks that are left undone, could be applied to larger emotional tasks, like maintaining the interest of a potential romantic partner.

Also, new relationships literally alter your brain chemistry. Serotine starts flowing and the mind rides a wave. “When something is hot and heavy, even if brief, it has made changes in your brain chemicals that your brain likes, and it's not a fan of having them taken away,” Ranger says. “When that drops, it creates feelings of loneliness and longing.”

Long-term relationships usually peter out and deflate over a period of months. So their end, though painful, usually comes as a gradual process. The end of a new relationship, and the shutoff of all the euphoria and energy that comes with it, is like the abrupt cutoff of a drug. And with that comes withdrawal.

The Worst That Can Happen
First, keep in mind that it’s usually the shunners who feel worse in these situations than the shunned, a surprise finding of the Case Western study above.

One reason is that the rejected person gets so much encouragement from culture. “The aspiring lover has many guidelines for pursuit—what to say, how to let them know you like them, and why to keep going despite an initial cold reaction,” Baumeister told the Times. “There must be a thousand B-movies where at first the girl rejects the hero, who persists and wins her in the end. So the would-be lovers just keep trying, like in all those movies. While the pursuer has all these tactics to try, over and over people who were being pursued told us, ‘I didn't know what to say, I never hurt anyone before.’”

While the idea of the scorned lover who refuses to extinguish their passion may have seemed chivalrous in the ages of Dante, Goethe, and Dickens, a refusal to accept no for an answer is, to put it mildly, problematic for the 21st century.

Negative impulses can also arise if the rejected person doesn’t have adequate resiliency. “The hurt, if not healed, is left to linger and fester,” Graves says, “causing social media stalking, wanting answers, and to know if the person has moved on as well.”

This distress can be a manifestation of deeper issues. “Pathological attachment rooted in relational trauma can manifest as obsessive preoccupation with someone one dated briefly,” says Sheri Heller, a licensed clinical social worker in New York City. She says “love addiction” is “a terribly painful disorder fueled by traumatic loneliness and an absence of secure bonding and mirroring throughout one’s lifespan.”

Those afflicted see a new relationship as a “fix” and reel when it’s over. After rejection, “the love addict goes into severe debilitating withdrawal,” Heller says. “During withdrawal, abandonment panic is interspersed with unresolved traumatic memory and self-loathing.”

What Will Probably Happen
Most people get over it. That was Baumeister’s finding. The rejected “think they can never be happy again,” he said in a piece in the Chicago Tribune. “More often than not, they’re wrong.”

“There's no set length of time in which one must heal, especially when feelings are involved,” says Racine R. Henry, founder of Sankofa Marriage and Family Therapy in New York City. But your friend can reduce behaviors that will prolong the pain. “Delete their contact info,” Henry says, “remove pictures from your phone, unfollow and perhaps even block them from social media. Let your friends know that person is no longer a topic of conversation. You can't possibly erase them from your memory but you can put some space between yourself and that other person.”

Several mental health professionals interviewed for this story recommend a period of self-care and support from friends. After a while (even a stretch of time that may seem disproportionate to the length of the affair), your friend should feel normal and ready to date again.

What to Tell Your Friend: You’re not a weirdo and, unless you’ve already crossed some lines, you’re not a creep or stalker. You are also not Dante Alighieri or Cyrano de fucking Bergerac. You just felt hope and a chemical rush as a natural response to a promising new relationship and it’s normal to feel distressed when it’s over. Understand it wasn’t easy for the other person either. Take whatever time you need, but if this continues to tear you up inside, you might have underlining loneliness and attachment issues to address with a professional.

This article originally appeared on VICE ID.

I have been on nearly 40 first dates in the past couple of years since I've been single. I know I'll probably get hurt, but I haven't called it off yet because I You don't want to be with a guy who wants only casual sex, casually, .. Marine Serre, and Telfar, the overall message was bigger than the details.

message to a man whos been hurt
Written by Zulurisar
Write a comment