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How to not be afraid of love

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How to not be afraid of love
March 14, 2019 Anniversary Wishes For Parents 3 comments

Let me get it out of the way and say that it's hard to not be scared, especially when you've been hurt before. I know, it's difficult out there and one.

BY MARIO K.

Whether or not we want to admit it, most of us are afraid of being in a serious love relationship. Everyone has personal preferences and different perspectives towards the prospect of loving; we also have fears of love which manifest themselves in all sorts of defenses. Although we think that such defenses offer security from the burdens of love, we actually fail to overcome the actual underlying issues. In fact, we are too reluctant to try facing the fears and getting rid of them; we are simply struggling to hide our desires to love and be loved. People have their own excuses to avoid the seemingly ever-present complicated love life, but we can compile at least 6 main reasons why people are afraid of love; the reasons that prevent us from embracing the beauty and challenges of love.

1. Unrealistic Yet Idealized Images of Perfection

We are surrounded by idealized images of perfection on television, movies, and the Internet. All those media deliver countless stories and fairy tales of love which create a frame of references about how everyone’s love life should be. More importantly, they also create the idea of what a perfect partner is. The problem is that the idealized perfection is mostly unrealistic. In other words, the media makes us think that a good love life can only happen if you have a perfectly ideal partner. This perspective leads us to think that we do not deserve to love and be loved. Even if we do love someone, it is easy to compare that person with such unrealistic image. Idealized perfection does exist, but it is likely based on fictions.

Love is about finding someone who can truly match your soul. You don’t have to find someone who has all the good characteristics found in movies. You need to see your partner from your own perspectives, not from anybody else’s. Those unrealistic idealized images (after being told in stories for too many times) may improperly become social norms, but you must understand that nobody is perfect.

2. Fear of Losing True Identity

Everyone is bound to improve. We make mistakes every now and then, but our inner voice helps us to be a better people each time. People introspect, realize their negative sides, and improve over time. In many cases, we may not need someone else to remind us about the mistakes we made in the past and tell us what to do. Our inner voice does this purpose quite well without any influence from another person. When in a love relationship, it is important to listen to our partner’s criticisms about anything we do, so our inner voice must back down little by little in favor of an external input.

Listening to your partner is part of loving. There is a good chance that your partner wants you to change or leave certain habits that you strongly associate with your identity. Sometimes a partner demands a dramatic change, which renders the image you have of yourself a little blurry; your idea of what and who you really are can be different from your partner’s idea of what and who you should be.

3. Unpleasant Past Experiences

Memories of unpleasant experiences in the past are parts of who we are. The lessons we learned from history help to make us better people. When the bad experience was too overwhelming, however, it can be very difficult to recover from the sadness it brought. Because of the less-rewarding love relationship in the past, some people associate love with hurt or loss.

When a previous relationship miserably failed, it does not mean that you should stop opening yourself up to someone new. Remember that there is no exact same two people; even identical twins have different characteristics. It is not uncommon to see people steer clear of romantic relationship just to stay away from the bad memories of rejection and anger.

4. Fear of Sadness

Real joy of life, particularly the feeling of true of happiness from being in love with someone, is prone to an end. There are many things that can end a relationship; it can be a small problem (or accumulation of small problems that grow into devastating storm) to the inevitable natural process of aging and death. It is impossible for a person to feel only joy throughout life; there will be times when sadness and difficulties strike.

One of the reasons why people are afraid of love is the undeniable fact that love is filled not only with happiness but also with many sad moments as well. However, you need to know that both sadness and happiness are natural parts of love relationship. Everyone who is and has been in love has to experience joy and pain. It does not seem reasonable to avoid sadness by preventing yourself from enjoying the happiness of love.

5. New Relationship vs. Pre-existing Relationship

Another reason why people are afraid of love is that they do not want new relationship to ruin their existing good relationships with families or friends. The idea of being in serious romantic relationship means they have to change priorities; when previously families and friends are sitting at the top of the list, they probably now occupy the second place after the love partner.

In reality, love relationship is part of growing up. It plays a role to represent your ability to be an independent individual. Living with your partner also means that you must live separately from your family. Such separation is mostly on emotional level; there is nothing wrong with that. You can have your own love life with a partner without completely ignoring your family and old friends.

6. Difficult Transition

Some people are afraid of love because of many new responsibilities that follow. This is true for many professionals who are currently in their way to build career or in the process of achieving major life goals. Love can turn into serious distraction if not handled responsibly. When in love with someone, you must make time to spend with your loved one.

There is probably an inconvenient feeling when you realize you have spent too much time nurturing your relationship, because deep inside you know that you can use the time working on your goals instead. The good thing is that you are not actually afraid of love, but just not ready yet.

We all want love, but it's not that simple. After someone has hurt you, you can want love, but be afraid of it. It's so normal to feel this way!.

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how to not be afraid of love

4. You're afraid that love doesn't work.

Maybe you never saw successful couples when you were young, or maybe your parents got along so well you thought, "No way will I get that lucky!" Either way, you can't give up. Love never works perfectly all the time, but that doesn't mean it's not the best thing you will ever experience — the bad and the good makes that so.

5. You're afraid you're too busy.

If you are afraid to enter a relationship because you don't think you have time, there is a much bigger problem, here, and it has nothing to do with relationships. You are hiding behind your work/hobby/Law & Order obsession! What are you afraid of? If your job is standing in the way of the possibility of you feeling happy and fulfilled in a relationship and in love, what else will it stand in the way of? Your sanity? Your health? Your passion for metallurgy?

6. You're afraid you won't find this one exact person who might not exist or be right for you anyway.

It is really good to have high standards. But! Sometimes we look for someone in particular for weird reasons. Say, you thought you would be with a creative person, or you assumed you were strictly partial to blondes, or you had in your mind that you were only attracted to Kal Penn-lookalikes after seeing The Namesake in 2007. (His lips: I die.) Tear that all away. You will be glad you did.

7. You're afraid of a faux annoyance.

I'm not saying to ignore your relationship annoyances. I'm saying you should explore them really, really closely. Are they leading to actual, legitimate reasons for concern? Say the guy you have been seeing always wears socks with sandals. That is weird. And it drives you crazy and makes you uncomfortable and makes you think "ehh I don't… aaaa… he...socks with sandals! Always? I can't take him anywhere!" But something like that doesn't matter. Embrace this guy and his footwear.

8. You're afraid of leaving your family.

My mom used to yell at me because I was kind of depending on her to fill some of my boyfriend requirements, like being there for me, caring for me when I was sick/stressed/sad, talking to me on the phone, sending me funny pictures of cats, etc. I also never thought I would find a guy my family approved of, so I sort of let being in a relationship become, like, my 40th priority. I know that people do this with their parents and siblings. I know a few people who have had terrible tragedies in their families and felt this invisible pull to defend and dedicate themselves completely to their families until the end of time. I don't know what that is like and I don't want to pretend to, but I do know this: your family members are going to go out and finding relationships for themselves, or they already have. You deserve that, too. Your family will still be there for you, and they will be happy for you. (I wish someone would have pounded this into my brain years ago.)

9. You're afraid long distance can't work.

If you really want to be in that relationship, you will make it work because you won't see any other option. Long distance relationships are a shit-ton of work. But don't make that an excuse for breaking it off if you think it can succeed and make you happy, because it might even make your relationship better.

10. You're afraid to change.

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Don’t Be Afraid To Love

how to not be afraid of love

Originally published on Unwritten by Shani Jayawardena.

Here’s what I know:

We’re afraid to put ourselves out there and be vulnerable with our hearts. We’re scared of getting hurt for the umpteenth time, or we protect ourselves from ever experiencing that kind of heartbreak in the first place. We’ll do anything to prevent ourselves from the horror of being rejected – and that rings true in all aspects of our lives. We’re afraid of being the one who falls harder because who wants to seem keen these days? Being chill is so much cooler, right? 

Love is that elusive feeling that ultimately we’re all searching for. Who doesn’t want to fall in love? Even those of us who claim to not currently be looking for a serious relationship – we have an unspoken agreement that would all change if the right person were to suddenly walk into our lives; because who would turn down the possibility of falling in love? For some reason, we just don’t have a lot of faith in the right person ever showing up.

Perhaps it’s related to how many of us have grown up in a single parent family, more so than ever before; and it has to be tough seeing two people who you assumed loved each other dearly and would be together forever, fall out of love with each other. Especially when those two people are your Mom and Dad. And it’s got to be even tougher coming to the realization that you were the product of something that didn’twork out. Naturally, many of us are scared shitless of becoming our parents and repeating their mistakes, because you see that vicious cycle recurring all too often. 

I think a lot of young people have this ingrained in the back of their minds, and start to think ‘Is there even any point in trying? If my own parents, who let’s face it are goddamn super heroes, couldn’t make it work, what makes me think I have a shot?’ If40-50% of marriages end in divorce, then you have to be a serial optimist or crazy risk taker to believe that the love you choose is one that will last. Maybe it’s not the falling in love part that scares us, maybe it’s the falling out of love part?

Love is a risk, perhaps the biggest gamble we’ll take in our lives. We make a decision to choose to put all our trust and faith into someone who, let’s be honest, we don’treally know. Because how well can you ever know someone who isn’t you? And how can you bank on someone staying the same as when you first fell in love with them? You can’t, of course. People change. We change little by little each and every day. Ten years down the line, neither of you will be the same people you were when you first met each other. Some people simply grow apart, some realize this isn’t the life they signed up for, and some just weren’t right for each other from the very beginning, and it’s only now that it’s dawning on the both of you.

Here’s the deal: when it comes to relationships, the only thing we can be certain of is uncertainty. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but that is the truth. And the truth is, we’re all a little afraid; some of us simply choose to push through the fear, and some of us don’t. Not a single person on this planet is fearless.

What you need to know is the people who love less in this world are the ones who fail to learn how to give unconditionally. Don’t be the person who holds back their true feelings, the person who casts a shadow over their raw emotions; because the only person you’re hurting in the process is yourself. Don’t worry about the what ifs, don’t worry about a future which you ultimately can’t control, and don’t worry if you are the person who seems to always care more. Because who gives a flying one if you are? Don’t change the person you are, simply out of fear of getting hurt. When a person hurts you, it says far more about them than it does about you.

Whenever you find yourself at the end of a seemingly ‘failed’ relationship, you should step back and ask yourself, ‘did I love them with everything I had?’ Because if the answer is yes, then you absolutely didn’t fail – you did everything right. You have laid your heart on the table, and you have bared your soul in its entirety. The right person will, without hesitation, do the same for you.

SO DON’T BE AFRAID TO LOVE.

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We all want love, but it's not that simple. After someone has hurt you, you can want love, but be afraid of it. It's so normal to feel this way!.

5 Questions To Ask Yourself If You're Scared Of Falling In Love (Or Love In General)

how to not be afraid of love

My girlfriend - she’s gorgeous. She’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever known. I love the way her hair looks when she wakes up, I am in love with a particular freckle she has on her nose, I love her heart-shaped birthmark that she sometimes think looks like an orange slice, and I love how I could go on about her forever. I’ve never been more in love with a person, and that is a really scary thing, knowing somebody has your heart. However, you cannot be afraid in a relationship. It’s okay if you get worried sometimes, and it’s okay to question certain aspects of things, but if you are afraid to love, you will miss out on some of the most important experiences of your life.

Let me get it out of the way and say that it’s hard to not be scared, especially when you’ve been hurt before. I know, it’s difficult out there and one person can really ruin your view of relationships and people, potentially forever. How can you learn to love again? How can you learn to trust again? My best answer for you, is to simply let go. You may have loved that person with everything you had, and they may have destroyed you, broken you down, and taken parts of you with them, or so you think. However, it is so important for you to remember you are still very much your own person. You have carried yourself this far and you will continue your life without them. You have done more than you even realize and you need to really congratulate yourself for it. Whatever may have happened in the past is exactly that, in the past. That doesn’t make it hurt any less, but you cannot change what happened and you cannot forget where you come from. It is best to forgive them and truly mean it within yourself to feel at peace with the situation. It’s much easier said than done. The past cannot be altered and you should only move forward and realize not everybody is another bad experience waiting to happen. As a matter of fact, there are thousands of others that have been hurt just as you have, who would never wish it on anybody else.

To find love is a tricky thing. It’s very elusive and many people feel it doesn’t actually exist. I’m here to tell you that’s not true. I know love exists for sure. I see it every time I look into my lover’s eyes, I feel it every time I’m embraced by her in an attempt to steal my warmth, and I hear it every time she sleepily says she loves me too. Love is a pretty undeniable feeling and a lot of people unfortunately haven’t truly experienced it. People like to brush love off when they’ve been hurt, when things didn’t go as planned or when they’re just scorned. It’s a good way to hide from the situation and cope, which I understand because I’ve definitely been in that position. Yet, there comes a time when you will accidentally fall in love all over again. You’ll say it’s not love for the fear of getting hurt another time, which only ends up hurting you more. This creates a barrier which prevents you from being close to someone, and overall, you will miss out on things if you don’t open up. It can be hard, but the risk can really be worth the reward. I promise that if you know you’re strong enough to handle the outcome of the situation, you can love more fully and be more loved in return. You cannot be afraid, or you might miss out on something great.

Opening up can be one of the hardest things for a person to do, but I am so glad that I have. I found somebody who supports me, makes me laugh and smile like nobody else does, encourages me to be the best person I can be and helps me feel more self-assured every day. There is nobody like her, and I honestly believe that I am the luckiest man alive. I really think that’s something that everybody deserves. Please, just don’t be afraid to love, because you never know when it will find you. Love found me in a 1970 Volkswagen Beetle, dressed in black, shying away a smile that could kill, with a heart that felt like warm sun on my face and a soul that I’m sure every poet throughout history has tried to capture on paper. You cannot be afraid to let others in, because you may miss out on the greatest thing that could’ve ever happened to you.
WATCH THE VIDEO ON THEME: FEAR OF INTIMACY & the 5 Ways to Overcome it - Kati Morton - Love, Relationships, Dating & Sex

I always hear people saying that they're scared to fall in love again, and while I get it, I don't feel the same way. For me, the most terrifying part of getting into a.

how to not be afraid of love
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