Take it slow” is probably the single best piece of relationship advice that people never seem to want to hear. Like relationships in real life, online.
You’ve been dating for years, and you finally found someone wonderful (hooray!). It’s not every day that you meet someone you truly connect with.
But before you start planning the wedding, it’s important to slow down and take the time to truly get to know each other, says Jennifer Spaulding, a love and relationship coach in Austin, Texas.
Rushing through the initial stages of a relationship — from the first date to moving in together — can put a damper on your partnership and decrease the odds that your relationship will last long-term. Read on to discover seven more reasons that it’s a good idea not to rush into love.
“When you first meet someone, you’re usually not your complete, full self with that person,” says Spaulding. “You stay on your best behavior and may also avoid being vulnerable.” That’s why it’s best to take things slow. Doing so will give you and your partner time to show your true colors — both the good and the bad.
At the beginning of a relationship, you’re going to great restaurants, catching new movies, and heading to happy hour together. Those initial dates are fun, but as anyone who’s ever watched a dating reality TV show knows, it’s easy to stay in harmony when you’re constantly doing fabulous things together. To discover if you’re truly compatible, it’s important to do mundane activities together, too, says Spaulding. So head to the dry cleaner or go grocery shopping; if you find yourselves arguing in the produce aisle, you might realize you’re not a match after all.
Taking things slow includes hitting the brakes in the bedroom. According to a study published in December 2010 in the Journal of Family Psychology, couples who waited longer to have sex reported higher relationship satisfaction and better communication later on in their partnership than those who hit the sheets more quickly. And the results held true even when factors like religious beliefs or past number of sexual partners were taken into account.
Delaying sex can also keep you from moving in together too quickly, which may keep your relationship happy in the long run. A study published in 2012 in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that couples who have sex early in the relationship tend to cohabitate sooner, which can lead to relationship problems down the road.
When it comes to finding love, it’s crucial to have a deal-breaker list, says Spaulding. It will help you keep your values front and center and remind you of what’s important to you in a relationship. Maybe you don’t want to be with someone who has credit card debt or who has a history of addiction, for example, and these issues are not things you find out on a first or second date. Taking things slow will allow you to learn these things naturally and then compare them to your list.
In the beginning stages of a relationship, everything is going along swimmingly: You’re going on romantic dates, and you find your new special friend to be downright fascinating. But as time goes on, it’s inevitable that you’ll have an argument — and chances are you'll both be pretty awful at it. “Most people don’t know how to argue well or treat one another during a conflict,” says Spaulding. She recommends the book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PhD, which offers guidelines to argue in a healthy way. Rushing into a relationship means you may skip learning this all-important skill.
What happens when the waiter spills water on him? What does she do when a car cuts her off on the highway? The way your new love reacts to everyday stressors can tell you a lot about their character. “Look at how someone treats the least important person in their life,” says Spaulding. “There’s a real benefit to having that information.”
eHarmony Advice presents The Biggest Dating Mistakes Women make. Everyone tells you to “take things slow,” but how on Earth are you.
I’m in a fairly new relationship, but am confused a bit.
My boyfriend and I have been together just over a couple months now, but both are very into each other.
He had some hesitation early on because of bad past relationships, and was hurt, but I was hurt as well, and I’m all in.
He has told me many times that he’s falling in love with me, and I have told him that I am in love with him. I’ve said it to a few more times since, but he still hasn’t told me that he loves me.
I know he wants to be with me, and see where things go. I just am a bit hurt he hasn’t said it yet. Also, his parents were in town visiting this past weekend, and he didn’t ask me to meet them. AM I being unreasonable at this stage to have expected to meet them?
We haven’t had a sleep over for more than one night yet either. Again, I know hes very interested in me, and constantly tells me how much he likes me. I just don’t know how to calm my anxiety, and trust that things will work out since it seems like we are both working at different paces.
I think also because I’m 35, and want to to still have a family etc., and am in a bit of a ‘rush’.
Is slow better? or am I wasting my time?
I definitely want to find love and settle down with an amazing guy for the rest of my life, but I know it’s going to be a journey to get there. Everything has been going really well with us but I’m pacing myself instead of rushing in headfirst. I really like you, but here’s why I need to take things slow:
I’m still reeling from my last heartbreak.
My ex really did a number on me. I’m over him and I’ve 100% moved on, but I haven’t forgotten how the pain of losing someone you love feels. I’m not ready to jump back into love when the memory of falling out of it is so fresh in my mind. My heart’s still a bit of an open wound, so I’m taking things slow until it heals.
I’m trying to learn from my past mistakes.
I’m not taking all the blame for my last breakup, but I still need to take responsibility for the part I did play. I rushed into love and I thought it would solve all my problems. I promised forever too quickly and I won’t make that mistake again. My heart just can’t take it. If we’re going to do this, I want to do it right.
I like you, but I want to make sure we’re a good fit.
I don’t want to jump the gun and fall head over heels for another Mr. Wrong. I like you but I’m also still getting to know you, and I don’t want to rush into a relationship with a guy I barely know. I want to make sure we really have something before we get serious and I’m heartbroken to find out we’re totally incompatible.
The faster you fall, the harder you land.
I’m not saying that I don’t believe in us, I’m just saying there’s a chance we won’t work out. The faster we move, the more serious we’ll be — and the more serious a relationship is, the more it hurts if it ends. If taking things slow can help lower the risk of a painful breakup then slow is my new favorite speed.
I’m afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve.
I’ve always been the girl who would give it all up for love; the one who thought with her heart first and head second. Feelings have always trumped logic in my life, but that’s how I got hurt. It goes against my nature to not wear my heart on my sleeve but until I know I can trust you, I have to follow my head, not my heart.
I take love seriously.
Those three little words mean a lot and I don’t take them lightly. I don’t want to say them before I’m ready and I don’t want to hear them if you don’t mean them. I want to fall in love. I want you to love me but I don’t want us to say we love each other unless we’re serious. Those words mean too much to me to say them casually.
I want to know you’re going to treat me right.
Before I agree to an exclusive and serious relationship, I want to know I’m agreeing to be with a guy who’s going to treat me with love and respect. I don’t want to fall for you and then realize that you were only sweet at first and the real you will never appreciate me. I can’t handle another letdown like that.
If you really like me, you’ll be patient.
Patience might be a virtue, but when it comes to dating, it’s also a necessity. You can’t make me run before I’m even ready to walk. If you really care, you won’t want to push me into anything, especially a relationship. If you want to be worthy of my time, respecting my wishes is a great way to go about it.
Love shouldn’t be rushed.
If falling in love is so wonderful, why would we want to rush it? I want to enjoy every second, not be walking down the aisle in the blink of an eye. I want to take the time to date, to get to know each other, to fall in love and finally, to get serious. If we’re right for each other then our love doesn’t need to be rushed because it’ll last forever.
Taking things slow might be the thing that makes us last.
I couldn’t even count how many couples I know that rushed into a relationship or even a marriage and ended up breaking up. Time passes and we’ll both change, but the couples who take things slow are the ones who take the time to figure out whether they’ll be growing apart or together.
I’m playing it safe.
You might think that’s a bad thing, but I’d rather be safe than sorry. I’ve been crazy in love before. I’ve rushed into promising things I didn’t know I couldn’t keep. I’ve had a love that I was too quick in thinking would last forever, and you know what? It didn’t work out. I’ve loved dangerously and I’ve fallen fast, but now I want to take it slow because the next time I fall in love, I want it to last.
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Kelsey Dykstra Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has been blogging for over four years and writing her whole life. Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. She enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.
There's An Art To 'Taking Things Slow' In A New Relationship should know exactly what "taking it slow" means to the person you're dating.
Nothing compares to the feeling of meeting someone new! You've spent countless hours analyzing every single section of his dating profile and you two have hit it off IRL incredibly well. A new era seems like it's on the horizon. You've finally found the perfect guy for you and the world feels invincible!
Suddenly, you hear the sound of a metaphorical record scratch in the distance. You and your new partner have discussed the direction of your relationship, and he's told you he wants to take it slow. If multiple thoughts are going through your head, you're not alone! On one hand, you're feeling admiration for your guy, because speaking up when it comes to a sensitive subject can feel absolutely nerve-wracking. On the other hand, you might be feeling a bit of disappointment creeping in. You may find yourself asking a myriad of questions, like, "Do his hesitations have anything to do with me personally?" or "Does this mean he isn't going to feel serious about me?"
If you find yourself tossing and turning over your new guy's desire to keep your relationship on the slow side, often you needn't worry. When asked about moving slowly within a relationship, many men on Reddit have reported positive reasons behind their reluctance to move fast.
In a dating climate ruled by swipe culture and social media, understanding that your new partner wants to take things slowly could be a blessing in disguise. Read on to discover 20 reasons why he might want to slow things down a bit.
Believe it or not, interacting with your potential partner in real life can be a strange experience. You may have spent hours talking online and scrolling through each other's profiles, but when you advance to the stage of hanging out together in the real world, the getting-to-know-you process can take on new meaning.
The conversation may have flowed via text, but your real-life interaction may feel like it's lacking for whatever reason. Real-life compatibility is important to figure out! He might want to take things slowly in order to see if you two mesh well.
Keeping in mind that we aren't the center of our new beau's world may seem obvious, but it's easy to get lost in our fantasies when we're getting to know them! We know we want to be at the forefront of their minds, so the best way to make sure it happens is to allow the conversation to flow, and enjoy the ride.
As disappointing as it may be, sometimes a guy understands he doesn't have the time to give us that we're worthy of. He may want to make sure his commitments don't overshadow his time with us.
Many of us use online dating or have our go-to dating apps when we want to meet someone, so we're already incorporating the use of texting into relationships, even at the earliest stages. When we've found someone interesting and we're on the verge of "graduating" from talking exclusively in our favourite app to acquiring their number, it's a new ball game.
Some of us are just natural-born texters, and we don't think about how others read into our messages. If your guy knows his "texting thumbs" are on fire, this may be a good reason to take things slower so you don't rush through the process.
As much as we'd hate to admit it, even if we feel like we're clicking with the person we're talking to, wrapping our heads around getting to know someone new can be time-consuming. After all, you two were once strangers, and adding a new person to our already packed "people rosters" can call for a bit of adjustment.
If your guy seems as if he's acting shy, he might be adjusting to you. Being mindful of how long it can take for some people to open up to others can be solved by taking it slow in a new relationship.
A new relationship symbolises starting over, and allowing the possibilities of starting fresh to happen. Chances are, both of you have been in relationships before, and you have respective reasons for the end of those relationships. Moving on and realizing you're ready to be with someone new is a giant and commendable step, but don't be surprised if your guy seems a little cautious in the beginning.
If he seems like he'd like to take it slow, he's allowing for the relationship to naturally unfold. He wants to make sure he isn't going to be making the same mistakes with you.
When you meet someone new, you want the exhilarating feeling to last as long as possible. Wanting to feel the positive feelings and the new butterflies as long as you can is important. You want to relish in every second of your relationship.
Understandably, the excitement of a new relationship can soon become routine, so if your guy tells you he'd like to take things slow, he may be afraid of you feeling bored and losing interest in him, or going any further into a potential relationship. By drawing out aspects of the relationship, this can be prevented from happening.
Unfortunately, even when we think we know someone really well, we may not always know every single side to them. Some people may be more reserved than others and would prefer to keep certain details to themselves for a number of reasons, especially early on in a relationship.
Providing for someone else in a relationship requires giving it your all, and providing as much emotional support as you're capable of giving another person isn't always easy. If you're going through something big in life, it can be difficult to provide and step up to the relationship plate. If your guy is honest about something he's going through, let him take things slowly so he can get his head in the game.
Honestly, the thought of friendship with someone you really have an interest in can be a huge drag and feel like a disappointment. Try to keep an open mind. Starting a friendship first can allow for you two to build a strong basis for your relationship without the pressure and anxiety dating can bring.
Starting a potential relationship by keeping it strictly on a platonic level can allow you to approach the relationship in a level-headed fashion. If you find out that the sparks aren't flying between you two and you feel like you're kissing your brother, consider staying friends.
Now, this could be a tough realisation to swallow. Your guy might want to take it a little slower because you remind him of his ex-girlfriend. No matter how big or small the reminder may be, noting the similarity can potentially feel really uncomfortable when he's in the midst of letting go of her in order to move on with you.
Allowing the relationship's progress to move slowly will give him time to get over the similarities or comparisons he's made with his ex. Getting to know you and discovering new and interesting factors about you will wash them away!
Success, no matter what type, can take time to achieve. Remembering this may be difficult, especially with relationships we really want to have. Coming together in order to build a strong foundation for a relationship should ensure its success and be a good measurement of how comfortable the two of you are together.
If you rush into a relationship, you'll skip those crucial stages of getting to know your partner inside and out.
Entering into a relationship stage you two aren't ready for can have the potential to derail your future together. Be patient and kind to yourselves!
Navigating relationships can be difficult, because there's a lot of "relating" to do with your partner. It is healthy to discuss what you're looking for in a relationship early on because you'll likely save a great deal of heartache for both parties. Some couples are looking for someone to be fun and carefree with, and others want to concentrate on meeting the love of their lives, and they don't want to waste time.
If you two don't have this conversation, there's a chance he might wonder if he's measuring up to be the type of person you need. It's better to say what's on your mind right from the start and take things slow if you need to get in sync.
It goes without saying that dating can be an extremely emotional experience for everyone, and some people may have different or more emotional reactions than others when it comes to various dating situations. Of course, it's imperative to treat your partner with respect, and be open with them regarding the age-old question of "how much is too much?"
Assessing someone's boundaries is a quintessential aspect of dating someone new. You have to take your time getting to know your partner and have open and honest communication with them. Respect is key in a relationship, right? Let him in on your boundaries!
When you get to the first-date stage, planning your date can be full of endless possibilities! As you and your new guy get to know each other, he'll have ample opportunity to craft ideas for personalized dates, but then again, there are oh-so-many possibilities for date ideas until they begin to feel a little tired and unoriginal.
Dating and spending time together plays a strong role in getting to know one another, and the desire to keep your activities exciting is normal. He may want to take the time to craft an extremely memorable date you'll never forget.
Let's be real. We've all had certain dating fantasies which date back to our childhoods where we would obsessively watch Disney films and countless romantic comedies. Sometimes our expectations are fully formed when we go into real-life dating situations.
When we first start dating, our dudes might want to take things slow because they'd like to be respectful and preserve those girlhood fantasies of ours. If we take things too fast, we might feel let down, even if we're not meaning to! Reality can absolutely be better than those fantasies, after all. It just takes time to get there.
Everyone comes with a history before they meet you. Previous relationships can set the tone for your partner's feelings about entering into a new relationship, even before he has the opportunity to fully get to know you. We've all been hurt from previous relationships, and it can vary from person to person when it comes to how long it will take to overcome those feelings.
Developing trust within a new relationship takes time, and your guy may have been really hurt in the past. It takes time for someone to open up, so be patient with him.
When you're feeling excited within a new relationship, it can be tempting to reveal every thought that flows through your head, but does your partner really need to hear about every emotional trauma you've ever experienced on the first date?
If you notice your guy seems to be playing it coy when it comes to revealing details about his life, he wants to first get a feel for who you are as a person and he really doesn't want to scare you away. He wants to feel comfortable with you, and wait until it feels right to reveal details.
When you're put into a situation where you have to make conversation with a near stranger in a public setting in real life, the pressure can be ramped up big time. If your new guy suggests your first meet-up involves other people, like some friends so you can have a group date, don't worry.
Throwing yourselves into a one-on-one situation too quickly before both of you are ready for it can feel extremely stressful. Maybe he just wants to get to know you a bit better in a relaxed setting without all that pressure.
Spending too much time together in a new relationship can easily happen without either one of you realizing it's happening. You're having fun and enjoying each other's company, and don't think it's a big deal. If your partner wants to spend some time away from you, perhaps to do his own thing, that's not a bad thing.
He wants to take time to enjoy every step of the dating process without things becoming boring. A bit of time apart and mystery can keep the anticipation going. Remember, dating's not meant to be a race!
Knowing yourself on a deeper level is beneficial to a relationship; you know how you handle certain situations and have an idea of how you're going to react, especially if the situation is tough. In some cases, we have qualities about ourselves we'd like to change; how many of us have overreacted in an argument with our significant others, and have said things we wish could be taken back?
Taking things slow for the purpose of self-accountability is important. Your guy wants you to see he understands himself and wants to avoid making careless mistakes!
As cliche as it might sound, honesty is the best policy, especially in relationships. Do you remember that saying from your childhood by the author of timeless literature, Mark Twain, that goes "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything?"
Not only does his quote ring true for the health of your subconscious, but choosing to be honest with your guy is the easiest option. Building a foundation of trust can ensure a healthy relationship down the road! By telling you he wants to take it slow, he cares about the health and longevity of your relationship.
References: Reddit, Elite Daily, Metro, Brainyquote
Is your relationship moving a little too fast for you to handle? But if you're meant to be, taking things at a slightly more leisurely pace won't do.