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Mend my heart

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Mend my heart
September 21, 2018 Anniversary Wishes 3 comments

“LET MY HEART MEND” – T-shirt. € T-Shirt/Apparel. Size. Choose an option, Small. Clear. Only 2 left in stock. Quantity. Add to cart. SKU: N/A Category: T-.

“Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” is not just a hit song from the 1960s—it is a fact. Anyone who has gone through a breakup knows that a broken heart can be difficult to mend. This universal emotional response to the sudden, unexpected, or unwanted loss of love is often characterized by an intense longing, hurt, and/or desire for an ex or unrequited love. And it can hurt like hell. For some, it feels like their whole world is caving in on them. And in many cases, because the pain is so great and the path to mending it seems so daunting, people avoid healing their broken heart. This avoidance can lead to many unwanted side effects, including, but not limited to, greater internal conflict, complicated emotional responses, withdrawal, and difficulty in future relationships.

So, how do you heal a broken heart? Here are a few tips I have picked up in my training, clinical experiences and late night calls with girlfriends and family members.

Take Your Time

Breaking up can trigger chemical, emotional and physical reactions that cause you to feel lonely, unloveable, depressed, and worthless. That’s not just going to go away with a new haircut, maxing out your Visa with a new wardrobe, or hitting the club. Instead of pushing yourself to move forward quickly, take time to acknowledge how you are feeling. Bottling up your emotions may seem like a good idea in the short term, but it can lead to unwanted long-term consequences, such as bitterness, a jaded view of relationships, fear, depression, a poor self-image, and serial dating. Your feelings are valid. Whether you were convinced that your ex was “the one,” even though he clearly wasn’t to your friends and family, doesn’t matter. Your thoughts might be distorted, but your feelings are real. Take the time you need to explore them.

Good Grief

Along with breaking up comes the loss of a relationship with your ex, some mutual friends, and your ex’s family. But the loss doesn’t end there. You might lose your home, your perceived social status, and whatever future you imagined you might have had with your ex. Just like with any loss, you need to give yourself the time and space to grieve what is no more. Now, this is easier said than done. The natural reaction is to avoid this, because it seems too painful to face reality. But avoiding this part of the process can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, suppressed immune system, physical manifestations, such as body tension, despair, and obsessive thoughts, and yes, the inability to move on. Though it can be physically and emotionally unpleasant at times, grieving gives you a greater sense of being in control and feeling empowered. You do not want to enter your next relationship guarded, making negative predictions, and pushing your partner away by pleading “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” like the Backstreet Boys. Grieving is a necessary part of the healing process and the path to getting unstuck and moving on in a healthy way.

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief are one of the most popular ways to frame the grieving process. Though everyone experiences grief uniquely, I have found it to be a helpful guide in working with my grieving clients. The five stages are denial (inability to accept reality), anger (physical tension, frustration, resentment), bargaining (magical thinking, pleading to God), depression (sadness, emptiness, guilt, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, hopelessness), and acceptance. 

While moving through these stages, be curious about your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and physical sensations. Take time to be aware of what you are experiencing, and practice letting things be as they are, without trying to control or change them. Do your best to notice when you are being judgmental of your thoughts or feelings and try to have compassion for yourself. Grieving is difficult. Be kind to yourself and understand that it will take some time.

Become Anti-Social (Media)

A breakup is a special kind of loss with the additional complication of your ex still being present. With social media making your ex accessible at the touch of a finger, it is important for you to understand that there is a thin line between ex-lover and internet stalker. Nothing good can come from looking at your ex’s Instagram stories or Facebook timeline. When it comes to social media, just say no.

Try Mindfulness

To manage the unpleasant sensations, thoughts, and feelings, try practicing deep breathing, body scans, meditation, and other mindful activities. Allowing things to flow freely, without trying to control, stop, avoid, or manipulate them, will make them less powerful, loosens their grip on you, and gives you the confidence and skill you need to act in the face of them. Give yourself the chance to unleash your inner Glinda the Good Witch and tell them, “You have no power here! Begone.”

Date Yourself

The broken-hearted often struggle with remembering who they were before their recent breakup. They see themselves in the context of the relationship and forget that they were once fully functional, interesting, and even desirable people when they were single. Your relationship should not have defined you then, and it certainly should not now. This is why I encourage you to rediscover yourself by dating yourself: “Dating yourself is a way for you to become more mindful of how you are feeling, what is going on in your mind and why you might behave in a certain way.” It also helps you get in touch with what your needs and wants are. Here are the steps:

Step 1: Set time aside to date yourself by scheduling it in. Make yourself a priority.

Step 2: Decide what you are going to do with that time. 
Make sure it is something you want to do!

Step 3: Engage in dating prep. Why should you only spend time getting all dolled up for 
someone else? 

Step 4: Go on the date with mindful presence . . . Be open to the experience, and enjoy the moment.

To learn more about how to date yourself, check out my dating guide, Seeking Soulmate: Ditch the Dating Game and Find Real Connection.

Remember Why You Broke Up

It may be painful to recall what your ex said when things ended, but it is a necessary part of moving on. There is a reason why you are no longer together. Whether it is because they are no longer attracted to you, you cheated on them, or they have a higher calling and are leaving you for God, you need to accept the reality of why the relationship has ended so you can get past it.

Find Therapy

If you need additional help, therapy can be a wonderful resource to provide you with support and new tools to assist in letting go. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, for example, is a short-term treatment model with measurable goals that can teach you how to change unhelpful, negative automatic thoughts and maladaptive behaviors that stop you from moving on.

In addition to the tried and true methods of being with loved ones, engaging in some good old-fashioned self-care, and singing “I Will Survive” at the top of your lungs, the above tips should help you mend your broken heart. Remember that everyone has had their heart broken at one time or another, and give yourself the space, time, and compassion that you deserve.

To find therapists near you, see the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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Artists Ocean Deep, Nubia Soul. Release. $ Length ; Released ; BPM ; Key A♯ min; Genre House; Label Deep Obsession Recordings.


mend my heart

How can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
... Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.
-- lyrics from the Bee Gee's 1971 hit song

When we suffer a deep loss or trauma our hearts can literally feel like they have been shattered into a million pieces. Or we feel that our heart has broken open and we are bleeding metaphorically. At times it can even be difficult to breathe. Our heart is both a living organ that is our life source as well as an emotional mind/body metaphor referred to when we experience heartache and sorrow. It's as if the heart that beats to an electrical energy wave becomes short circuited and burns out, flares out or is broken into many tiny pieces.

After the initial shock of a loss many feel the need to push aside their grief lest it overwhelm them with its intensity. This is understandable, but the longer you avoid your pain and attempt to push it away, the more difficult it will be to break out of the paralysis. Just as birds are drawn to bread crumbs on the ground, the pain will keep returning after you shoo it away.

When I work with my patients in the initial stage of sorrow I suggest that at first they just sit with their pain and grief, simply noticing it as if they are sitting on a riverbank watching these heavy feelings float downstream. During this time many of them ask, "Why is this happening to me?" While it is impossible for us to see the big picture, I suggest to them that when they are ready to use this experience to honor themselves by learning and growing from it. A translation of a Rumi poem says, "When your heart breaks (open), journey deep inside." So if you are going to be courageous and take that journey it's helpful to be guided by the following seven steps for overcoming and transforming a broken heart.

Step 1: Struggle With Denial

Denial is the first round of defense that we immediately enter into, like the first chamber in the heart that breaks. In this inner chamber we face the demons trying every which way to not accept the loss. It's as if a visitor with bad news has entered our home, and we try to push him/her back outside so we don't have to listen to the painful message.

Step 2: Acknowledging Your Brokenness

You must start to acknowledge to yourself that your heart has been broken by someone, something or some event. Step into the experience of attempting to tolerate the unbearable quality of this sorrow. I say "attempt" to deal with the sorrow, as you must acknowledge your pain in order over time to learn to manage, handle, and heal it.

Step 3: Overcoming Rationalization

We rationalize this is not happening, it can't be so, it's only a terrible nightmare, things will change and everything will be as it was! The denial of pain. We pray to God that if this experience is taken from us we will repent, we will change, we will dedicate our life to a great cause. Anything but to feel this deep, aching wound of hurt and sorrow. So often when our heart is breaking we want someone, anyone, to tell us what to do, or where to go, or how to instantly heal.

Step 4: Surrender

The Beatles insightful song Tomorrow Never Knows says, "Turn off your mind, relax and float down stream ... That you may see the meaning of within." The step of entering into the chamber of surrender is an essential stage in order to allow the self to begin the arduous process of mending a broken heart. When we surrender, we enter the state of not knowing and not doing. Since we do not know just how long the journey will take, it is helpful to accept that we never fully get over a loss but instead learn to navigate through it. "Taking as long as it takes" is a phrase I use with my patients while they are in this stage.

Step Five: Acceptance

It takes great courage to pull yourself up off the floor, bed, or couch and get back into the world when your heart is broken. Acceptance gives us the first few steps we need to begin to slowly scratch and claw our way back into the land of the living. One of the most painful aspects of when I had a broken heart was going out to the movies or dinner or on a vacation, and all I ever saw was couples or families, but still we need to exercise the organ of the emotional heart with fierce grace in order to step forward and go back outside into the world of possibilities.

Step Six: Embrace the Now

The Buddha said what is past is now dead and gone; the past is the past, the present is now, and the future is yet to arrive. When grieving we tend to live in the past, reliving the trauma or memories of the one we lost. Now, memories are important to maintain, but within reason. In order to take the next step we must embrace the present to manifest the future. One of the easiest and most effective techniques that I recommend to my patients is to develop a mindfulness meditation practice (see the video below for tips on how to meditate). By practicing mindfulness we can learn to slowly tolerate, face the painful feelings, and slow down the afflictive and repetitive thought patterns. In my book Wise Mind, Open Mind, I have a specific meditation to overcome a broken heart. Mindfulness is both an ancient and modern non-sectarian method for teaching us to follow our breath in and out and to relax, to let go of the pain and eventually release and transform it into vitality, acceptance and equanimity. Other methods to help one become more present are yoga, Tai Chi, walks in nature, jogging or visiting museums.

Step Seven: Create a New Future

There is a field of thinking within positive psychology that says the way through pain includes becoming your own architect and actively engaging and involving yourself in the planning of a new future. The victim in us will want to remain on the floor curled up in agony, wishing to avoid any future painful experiences that life may present to us. One who is engaged and empowered realizes and accepts that the past is the past and all we have now is the present moment and the future. It's all in the next breath in and the next breath out and creating in your mind's eye a future storyline for yourself. Dare to dream and be wild with your imagination. Have the courage to dream any positive, loving, creative future with no bounds. Remember, after death comes rebirth!

It's your storyline you are creating, like writing the next chapter of your life in a novel. But in your story I challenge you to JUMP into the water, catch the next wave and maybe you will just be surprised and delighted to experience yourself riding that new wave with confidence, joy and possibility!

For more by Ronald Alexander, Ph.D., click here.

For more on emotional wellness, click here.

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7 Steps to Mend a Broken Heart

mend my heart

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the act of mending a hole in a garment with crossing threads


the act of mending a hole in a garment by sewing a patch over it

care, maintenance, upkeep

activity involved in maintaining something in good working order

band aid, quick fix, quickie, quicky

hurried repair


the act of restoring something or someone to a satisfactory state


the activity of constructing something again


the act of restoring something to its original state


restoration to a previous state

camera care

keeping a camera in good working order

car care

keeping a car in good working order

inspection and repair, overhaul, service

periodic maintenance on a car or machine


the restoration of run-down urban areas by the middle class (resulting in the displacement of low-income residents)

reclamation, rehabilitation, renewal

the conversion of wasteland into land suitable for use of habitation or cultivation


a complete reconstruction and renovation of something

reassembly, refabrication

assembling again

re-formation, regeneration

forming again (especially with improvements or removal of defects); renewing and reconstituting


building again

pump priming

introducing water into a pump to improve the seal and start the water flowing

scheduled maintenance

maintenance at a regularly scheduled time

steam fitting

care (installation and maintenance) of equipment for ventilating or heating or refrigerating


the restoration of someone to a useful place in society


the act of restoring someone to a previous position


the act of restoring to a more youthful condition

Heal my sorrow, remorse unspoken. But I don't know how to mend my heart. For it is truly broken. Photo by burak kostak from Pexels. Buddhism.

Mend My Heart

mend my heart

"New York (Mend My Broken Heart)" lyrics

Dua Lipa Lyrics

"New York (Mend My Broken Heart)"

Your kiss, your touch, your hold
You know I want you all
The darkness in my soul tells me to let you go

And I need you tonight
But I'm blinded by lights
So I gotta learn to live without you

So please, New York
Mend my broken heart tonight
Cause I left the one I love

So please, New York (New York, New York)
Mend my broken heart tonight (New York, New York)
Cause I left the one I love
New York, take me in your arms tonight
Cause I left my boy, I left my boy at home
I left my boy, I left my boy at home
I left my boy, I left my boy

She never sleeps at night
Some nice you name her twice
Without you, I'm alive
But my heart is cold as ice

And I need you tonight
But I'm blinded by lights
So I gotta learn to live without you

So please, New York (New York, New York)
Mend my broken heart tonight (New York, New York)
Cause I left the one I love
New York, take me in your arms tonight
Cause I left my boy, I left my boy at home
I left my boy, I left my boy at home
I left my boy, I left my boy
I left my boy, I left my boy
I left my boy, I left my boy

I ran away from home
I ran to follow my dream
I ran away from he
Would he do this to me?
I needed a way out
I needed to figure how to get you here with me
Maybe you are my dream, oh

So please, New York (New York, New York)
Mend my broken heart tonight (New York, New York)
Cause I left the one I love
New York, take me in your arms tonight
Cause I left my boy, I left my boy at home
I left my boy, I left my boy at home
I left my boy, I left my boy at home
I left my boy, I left my boy
I left my boy, I left my boy
I left my boy, I left my boy

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“LET MY HEART MEND” – T-shirt. € T-Shirt/Apparel. Size. Choose an option, Small. Clear. Only 2 left in stock. Quantity. Add to cart. SKU: N/A Category: T-.

mend my heart
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